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PHONE CALLS TO MOE'S
(with replies when made)


7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
Wait a minute...
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Marge picks up the extension and hears:
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

7G03 (Homer's Odyssey)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7G06 (Moaning Lisa)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
Bart laughs

7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)

Bart with Lisa
Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7F15 (Principal Charming)

Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
Oh, no...
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"

7F22 (Blood Feud)

Bart
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
Bart and Lisa laugh

8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II)

Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins
Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute...
Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well

8F08 (Flaming Moe's)

Bart
Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)

Bart
Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
Bart laughs

9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Bart
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room

9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Laura Powers with Bart
Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
Laura and Bart laugh

2F19 (The PTA Disbands)

This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers

3F14 (Homer the Smithers)

Mr. Burns says "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

3F17 (Bart on the Road)

(Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
(Moe) Eura Snotball?
(Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

CABF20 (Homer the Moe)

Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
(Bart) Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
(Homer) (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
(Bart) Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
(Homer) I don't get it
(Bart) Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
(Homer) What's the gag?
(Bart) Oh, forget it...

DABF21 (Helter Shelter)

Bart, sending a telegraph message to Moe's
Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
Oh, do, that little, ooh...
I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!
Bart laughs

FABF13 (The Way We Weren't)

10-year-old Marge calling Homer's camp; Moe answers the phone
(Marge) I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar
(Moe) Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? Ooh...and that's the origin of that.

JABF14 (24 Minutes)

Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed
(Jack Bauer) Chloe, I need those schematics now!
(Bart) Who is this?
(Jack) I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
(Bart) Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie")
(Jack) Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
(Chloe) Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
(Jack) Really?
(Chloe) No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
(Jack) Dammit!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone

KABF15 (Lost Verizon)

Bart calls a bar named just "Bar" somewhere in Hawaii
(Bartender) Aloha!
(Bart) Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name, Normousbutt.
(Bartender) Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
Patrons laugh

KABF15 (Lost Verizon)

Bart calls "Crocodile Drunkee's" in Sydney
(Bartender) I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
(Patron) Better put it down then, mate!
Patrons laugh

KABF15 (Lost Verizon)

Bart calls "Inga-bar Beerman's", in Stockholm
(Bartender) Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olav? Attention, everyone; Olav Myfriendsaregay!
Patrons laugh smugly
Wait a minute...if I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.

MABF19 (Donnie Fatso)

Fat Tony
Yuri Nater? Yuri Nater? Hey, my mouth is begging for a Yuri Nater!
Barney says, "Be careful what you wish for!"
Why you...I'm gonna chop you into little pieces and make you into a Rubik's cube, which I will never solve!

NABF10 (Love is a Many Strangled Thing)

Bart
Bart sends a text message to Moe's (who tries to send one back
Text message for I.M.A.Wiener. As you can all see, I.M.A. Wiener!
Barney says, "I see it, Moe!"
Why you...when I...when I get a hold of you, I - oh, dammit, I typed an F and not a D - eh, delete, delete, delete, delete - oh crap, I just donated twenty dollars to Haiti!

RABF13 (Whiskey Business)

Bart
(Bart) Hi, I'm looking for a Mister Ron, first name Moe
(Moe) Moe Ron? (sigh) Moron. It's you, you little puke! I am gonna tie a rope around your neck, and hang-
At this point, Moe tips over the chair on which he was standing, and the noose around his neck strangles him I'll show you who's a...moron



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Last updated on May 5, 2013 by Don Del Grande (ddelgran@simpsonsarchive.com)